I Have Almost Forgot the Taste of Fears
by rubycaspar
Summary: Set series 5. An accident causes John to lose his memory of the past three and a half years. How does a series 1 John fit in with a series 5 Atlantis? Teamfic with a Sheyla twist to it.
1. Prologue

_Hi everyone – long time no see:D Here's a new WIP – I'm not quite sure how long it will be, but probably not too long. The title, in case you're wondering, is a line from Macbeth – Act 5, Sc 5, Line 9 in case you want to look it up… _

_This story is dedicated to SciFan, who is an unfailingly wonderful friend. _

**Prologue**

"Okay, let's try again."

Rodney carefully placed his palms flat on the console of the device, and concentrated, hard.

_Turn on… turn on…_

The blue lights on the device turned on, flickered and died.

"Aw come _on_!"

Zelenka sighed. "Like I said, it needs more –"

"It has plenty of power," snapped Rodney, snatching his hand back from the device. "It just needs to be turned on."

"You've been trying for half an hour now, and nothing."

"Not _nothing_. It lit up, didn't it!?"

Zelenka rolled his eyes but before he could answer the door to the lab slid open and Sheppard walked in, followed by Ronon.

"Hey boys, what's happening?" He said as he strolled into the room, hands in his pockets. Normally, Rodney got annoyed when Sheppard just showed up at his lab, knowing full well that he was spending the day conducting research, but at that moment he was actually pleased to see him.

"Excellent, I was just going to call you," Rodney said, standing up. Sheppard immediately looked suspicious.

"Why?" He asked, sounding it too.

"Come and activate this device," Rodney said, gesturing to the table.

"I don't think that will-"

"Quiet you," said Rodney, turning to glare at Zelenka. Zelenka shrugged and leant back in his chair.

"Fine," he said.

"What is it?" Asked Sheppard, taking another step into the room.

"It's a memory recall device," said Rodney. "There're pages of research in the database, but we only found the thing last week. It could be invaluable for interrogating prisoners, or remembering important details about missions but… well, I can't get it to stay on."

"Is it out of power?"

"Yes."

"_No_." Rodney shot another glare at Zelenka. "I've managed to get it to come on a couple of times, but never for more than a second. But you'd probably be able to get it working."

Sheppard smirked. "With my supergene?"

Rodney rolled his eyes and declined answering – Sheppard just _loved _to rub in the fact that his gene was the stronger.

"Will you just activate it already? I'd like to have lunch sometime today."

"That's what we figured," said Sheppard.

"Oh," said Rodney, realising why Sheppard and Ronon were there in the first place. He decided that he didn't mind so much that they'd turned up unannounced.

Sheppard shrugged at Ronon and then walked over to the table. "Okay, what do I do?" He asked, frowning at the device. It was a strange-looking thing – it kind of looked like a huge chalice, with a keyboard-like console in front of it, and two flat pads either side of that.

"Put your hands on the pads," said Rodney, pointing them out to Sheppard.

Sheppard stretched out his hands but pulled them back at the last second. "It's not gonna blow up or anything is it?" He asked. "Give me superpowers that might kill me?"

Rodney rolled his eyes. "_No_," he said. "All it does is make you remember things clearer. And that will only happen when we program it."

"Okay." Sheppard placed his hands flat on the pads.

There was a moment when nothing happened, but then the lights on the device lit up and it began to emit a faint humming sound. Rodney eyed it suspiciously, waiting for it to die again, but it didn't – it looked like Sheppard's 'supergene' had worked its magic once more.

"Woah," said Sheppard softly.

Rodney shifted his attention to the Colonel and frowned – the look on Sheppard's face made it clear that he was seeing something other than the device in front of him. His jaw was slack and his eyes were wide.

"Are you seeing something?" Rodney asked. "Remembering?"

"You could say that," said Sheppard weakly. He blinked rapidly a couple of times.

Zelenka stood up. "Maybe you should let go," he said.

Rodney nodded. "Yeah that… that's probably a good idea."

Sheppard nodded as well. He started to blink again, over and over, so fast his eyelids looked like a bird's wings. "Yeah, good call," he said. He started to withdraw his hands.

It all happened so fast after that – the sudden blinding brightness of the biggest light on the device, Ronon's yell, the thud as Sheppard was pitched back and hit the floor. Rodney blinked the spots in his eyes away, and the first thing he saw was Sheppard, lying flat on the floor.

He lifted his head slightly, his eyes out of focus, still blinking quickly, but not as quickly as before. His eyes rolled up into his head and his head hit the floor with a thud as he passed out.

_TBC_


	2. Chapter One

**Chapter One**

John could hear footsteps and hushed voices, the steady beeping of a machine. He knew where he was before he opened his eyes – he just didn't know _why _he was there.

John blinked his eyes open and discovered that, sure enough, he was in the infirmary as he'd thought. Why though? And how?

A second later, John's head started to throb painfully, and he surmised that that might be _why_. The how was still a mystery though.

John waited for the pain in his head to ease slightly and then slowly propped himself up on his elbows. He was lying on a bed in one of the corners of the infirmary, hooked up to several monitors and wearing a set of cream-coloured scrubs. The place was pretty deserted except for a couple of nurses in the far corner. John frowned – he could have sworn he knew all the medical personnel, but he didn't recognise either of them. Also, the infirmary looked different. All the beds and equipment had been moved around, and there were definitely some machines in there that he hadn't noticed before. Weird.

"Oh good, you're awake."

John's head jerked round and he winced at the pain caused by the sudden movement. He soon forgot it though – here was another person he didn't recognise. It was a woman, and judging by her outfit and the stethoscope hanging round her neck she was a doctor. But John was positive, absolutely positive, that he knew all the doctors, if not the nurses.

The doctor stepped up beside his bed and peered into his eyes. "How do you feel Colonel?" She asked.

"Er… I have a bit of a – wait, what did you call me?" He must have misheard her.

The doctor frowned at his question. "Are you alright Colonel?"

"_Colonel_?" John repeated, confusion and a little but of panic taking hold of him. Maybe she was just mixing him up with someone else… not that there were _any_ colonels on Atlantis… she must just be confused.

_But who the hell was she? _

"Er… I don't know what's going on here, but I'm just a major," John said, trying to stay calm.

The doctor's eyes widened at his words, and he saw a flash of fear in her eyes. She swallowed. "A major?" She asked.

"Yeah," said John.

She took a small step back. "Do… do you recognise me?" She asked him.

"Should I?"

Something very weird was going on. This woman was looking at him like he'd gone mad or something – and it was clear that his last answer had _not _been what she'd wanted to hear.

"What year is this?" She asked now.

John was slightly taken aback. What the hell kind of question was that? "It's 2004," he answered. "And who_ are_ you?"

The doctor's mouth opened like she was going to say something, but no words came out. She just stood there and gaped at him. John frowned back at her.

Suddenly John heard footsteps coming from the entrance behind the doctor, growing louder. A moment later, Dr McKay appeared. John had never been so pleased to see him.

"McKay!" He said, sounding overly relieved even to his own ears.

McKay stopped at the end of his bed. He held a half-eaten power bar in one hand. "Typical – you don't wake up the three hours I stay here, you choose the ten minutes I go to get food," he snarked. John rolled his eyes but felt inordinately comforted by McKay's words – this was the McKay he knew. Though he noticed that McKay didn't seem at all bothered by the strange doctor.

"How you feeling?" McKay asked now. "Look I'm really sorry about what happened – there was no way of knowing that it was active, and Zelenka's looking at it right now –"

John's head was starting to hurt again. "McKay, what's going on?" He asked.

McKay frowned slightly but before he could answer the doctor walked over to him and put her hand on his arm. "Rodney, I need to talk to you," she said.

McKay glanced over at John, but he nodded and took a couple of steps closer to the archway through which he'd appeared. John's eyebrows shot up. _Rodney? _Obviously this doctor person knew McKay pretty well, and vice versa. He lay very still, to try and hear what they were saying – luckily the infirmary was really quiet, and he could hear them pretty well.

"There's something wrong," the doctor said, sounding very worried. "I think he has amnesia."

"What?"

John frowned, entirely empathising with McKay's shocked tone of voice. _Amnesia_?

"He doesn't know who I am," the doctor said. "And when I called him Colonel, he told me he was only a major."

Rodney had his back to John, but he clearly saw his shoulders tense up. "But… but the device is meant to help you _remember_ – how could this...?"

"I don't know how – all I know is that Colonel Sheppard thinks it's 2004." She sighed. "I'm gonna go set up some tests; you should talk to him."

"Me? Why me?"

"He knows who _you _are," the doctor said calmly. "Try to explain what's going on. I'll be back in a minute."

And with that she turned on her heel and swept away, leaving McKay staring after her. John watched him closely – he took a deep breath and turned round slowly.

"Amnesia?" John asked, getting straight to the point. McKay looked shocked, and John rolled his eyes. "I've got a headache, but I'm not deaf McKay."

McKay walked back over to his bedside, looking incredibly awkward. "You remember me?" He asked tentatively.

"Er… _yeah_." Duh. He'd called him McKay like five times.

"Good – great," said McKay. He sounded very nervous. "So…"

John rolled his eyes again – that doctor sure picked the right person to tell him what was happening here. "So what's going on?" He prompted.

McKay paused. "What's the last thing you remember?"

John thought about it. "I read some more War and Peace, I went to sleep, and I woke up here," he said truthfully. Lord knows how he actually _got_ to the infirmary.

McKay frowned. "Okay that doesn't really – what's the last _mission _you remember?" He asked instead.

"M7G-677," answered John. They'd only got back two days ago.

Rodney frowned, thinking about it. His face cleared, and then he looked really worried. "The planet with the kids?" He asked, flabbergasted. "The first time we went there?"

John was bemused. "The first…? Yeah, the first time. McKay –"

McKay was slowly shaking his head. "That was over three years ago."

John thought suddenly that if this was a movie, this would be the part with the funky camera shot that made the background zoom in around him while the '_dun dun DUN!_' music played. "What?"

"It's… that was… it's not 2004," McKay said. "It's 2008."

John blinked. "2008?"

"Yeah."

"And… I'm a Colonel?"

"A Lieutenant Colonel – yeah."

"Whatever." John sat up properly and started to push away the blankets covering his body. "As practical jokes go, McKay, this one's pretty lame –"

"John, I'm not joking!"

It wasn't the sincerity or panic in his tone that made John pause in what he was doing. It wasn't the look of fear on McKay's face. It was the John. McKay had never used his first name before. He looked up at McKay silently. What if he was telling the truth? What if it really was 2008?

No, this was stupid. This was either a really bad joke, or a really _weird _dream.

"McKay, this is –" He started, but McKay cut him off.

"I was working on a device in my lab," he said. "It's meant to be a memory recall device – I had you activate it, and you… well, you said you were remembering things, and we told you to let go but before you could there was this light and then you were knocked out. It must have… I don't know… it must have short-circuited, and made you _lose _the memories instead… or something."

"You're saying a device has made me lose my memories? Of only the last three years?" John said incredulously.

"Look at me!" McKay burst out suddenly. "Don't I look different?"

John frowned and obediently looked at him. He did look… well, not that _different_… but… there was definitely something. He looked… older? No – it was more like he'd…_seen_ stuff.

John shook his head slightly – now _that _was a stupid thought. It didn't make any sense at all.

"Look at your arm!"

John frowned. "My arm?"

"Look –" McKay pointed wildly at John's right arm. John looked down and saw what he was pointing at; there, on the inside of his forearm, was a strange scar. It was big, but barely noticeable, really, unless you were looking for it. He ran his fingertips over the scar tissue – it felt scaly.

He sure as hell hadn't had that scar before. John reached up a hand to the side of his neck, where that bug thing had been latched onto him a couple of months before. The wounds were almost fully healed, but he could still feel them when he touched his neck.

Not now though. They were completely gone.

"That happened in… I think it was 2005. Yeah," said McKay. It took John a moment to realise he was talking about the scar on his arm.

2005. It was still two months away. He could _swear _it was still two months away. But… but the scars. And McKay. The new doctor – the new nurses. The infirmary looked so different. She'd called him Colonel.

John slumped back against his pillows. "Oh _crap_."

_TBC_


	3. Chapter Two

Thanks so much for all the wonderful feedback guys! I really appreciate all the reviews. This chapter's all talk talk talk, but the action (such as it is) should pick up in the next chapter. There may even be plot – daring, I know, but that's me; Maverick Ruby.

Enjoy.

**Chapter Two**

"So… I'm assuming we got back in touch with Earth," said John as Dr Keller drew some blood from his arm. "I mean – you're new, right?"

Keller gave him a small, slightly strained smile. "Yes, Atlantis re-established contact with Earth after about a year," she told him. "I've been here just over a year now."

John nodded. "Right," he said. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, his legs swinging over the side. He glanced over at McKay, who was standing a few feet away, looking fretful. John rolled his eyes. "Relax McKay," he told him. "You'll figure it out."

"I don't know how you can be so calm about this," said McKay.

John shrugged. "It's probably the drugs," he said, smirking at Keller. She'd given him something for the headache. McKay glared at him, and John rolled his eyes. "Okay – truth is, it's kind of hard to believe right now. I mean, I do _believe _you, but I guess it's just not sunk in yet."

McKay's eyes widened suddenly. "Ronon's going to kill me," he said.

John frowned. "Who's Ronon?" He asked.

"He's… he's a guy we met a few years ago, and he's been on the team ever since," McKay said.

"The team? _Our _team?"

McKay took a deep breath. "He replaced Ford," he said quietly.

There was a horrible kind of silence in the infirmary as John stared at McKay. "Replaced… what happened to Ford?"

McKay took another deep breath and Keller gathered up her equipment and made herself scarce. Suddenly, John wasn't so sure he wanted to hear the explanation. He could tell he wasn't going to like it.

"He was being fed on by a wraith, and the wraith was killed," McKay said quickly. "But Ford got an overdose of the enzyme the wraith inject into you when they feed, and it… it changed him. He took on certain wraith characteristics, like super strength and speed, and he became addicted to the enzyme. He went AWOL. He got together a group of guys who all took the enzyme too, and the last time we saw him – well, you saw him, I wasn't there – was on a hive ship. He covered you while you rescued Ronon and Teyla, and… well, we haven't heard from him since."

John was well aware that he was gaping at McKay, but really – could you blame him? Wraith enzyme? Ford going AWOL? Ford? His young buddy who followed orders to the letter, and sucked at naming things? _Ford_?

"How long ago was that?" John asked after a moment.

"Almost three years now."

"Three – _three years_?!" John exclaimed. "And he's – we've been looking for him, right?" McKay was silent. "_Right_?" John demanded.

McKay's mouth opened and closed like a floundering fish. "We've been – that is we've – well, no, I guess not…" John must have looked as furious as he felt, because McKay took a small step back. "If he was still – if he wanted to, he'd find us," he said quietly.

John narrowed his eyes at the scientist. "You think he's dead," he said.

McKay was silent for a moment, and then nodded. "Yeah, I do," he said. "And… you've never said it, but I think you do too."

John didn't have an answer for that. Obviously he couldn't refute it, because for all he knew maybe he _did _think Ford was dead. He just couldn't believe – didn't _want _to believe – that he would stop searching until he knew for sure. He'd bring it up with Dr Weir later on.

John's eyes fell on Keller at the far end of the infirmary, where she and yet another nurse he didn't recognise were setting up some kind of machine, presumably to use on him for tests.

"Where's Beckett?" John asked, wanting to change the subject.

John wasn't prepared for the silence that greeted his question. He looked over at McKay, and saw that he was clearly thinking hard, trying to think of how to answer, and was unable to mask the sadness in his eyes when they met John's. John's breath caught. _Not Beckett too_.

"He's… ill," said McKay.

John frowned. "What?"

"He… he's got this disease that – well, it's a long story, but we've put him in stasis to give Keller a chance to work on a cure."

John stared at McKay, and the scientist quickly looked away. John frowned. "What aren't you telling me?" He asked him.

McKay looked back at him and sighed. "He was killed in an explosion a year ago," he said bluntly. "The Carson we have in stasis is a clone."

A _clone_? John didn't even know what to think of that. This was all starting to sound like something out of a Star Trek episode. Admittedly, his life had become slightly more like a TV show after coming to Atlantis, but… cloning? Wraith enzymes?

Devices that caused amnesia?

"So," he said tersely. "Ford is MIA, Beckett's dead. Anyone else?"

McKay looked surprised by his tone, but John didn't care – he wasn't feeling so calm anymore. And McKay was looking sad again. There _was _someone else.

"Elizabeth."

McKay said her name so quietly John almost didn't hear him. But he did. He wished he hadn't.

"Dr Weir?" John said quietly. McKay nodded and John swallowed hard against a sudden lump in his throat. "When? How?" He managed.

"It was… almost a year ago," McKay said. "She – she was with us on a mission and she got captured. She sacrificed herself to – to give us a chance to get away. We only found out she died a few months later."

John's head was reeling. "A mission? Since when does Dr Weir go on missions with us?" He demanded. "And we left her behind?"

McKay looked tense enough to snap as he nodded. John clenched his hands into fists on the mattress either side of him. "Why would we do that?"

"It's… it's a long story," said McKay lamely.

John had no doubt about that – and he was determined to hear every detail. But at that moment he was distracted by someone walking into the infirmary. It was yet another person he didn't know, but this guy looked different to all the other people he'd seen, who were clearly Atlantis personnel. He wasn't wearing anything resembling an Atlantis uniform for starters. He wore brown leather trousers and a loose-fitting cream shirt, and a strange-looking alien gun was hanging from a hip holster. He was tall, and had long, shaggy dreadlocks that must have taken him years to grow, though his beard was neat enough. He spotted John across the room and headed straight for him.

McKay also noticed the man enter, and looked panicked all of a sudden. He opened his mouth to talk but the guy started talking before he could say anything.

"Hey, you okay?" He asked John, stopping a couple of feet away from McKay.

John raised his eyebrows at McKay. "Ronon, I'm guessing?" He said. He saw Ronon frown, and considered for a moment that he was being a bit rude, but he was still reeling from the shock of finding that he'd lost half his memories and had apparently turned into an ass who allowed all his friends to get killed.

McKay addressed Ronon. "He's lost his memory," he said, getting straight to the point.

Ronon blinked. "What?"

"He's lost all memory of the past three and a half years," said McKay. "Closer on four, really – to him, we've only been on Atlantis a couple of months."

"I'm right here you know," said John crossly. McKay turned back to him, rolling his eyes, but Ronon kept staring at McKay, obviously in shock. Eventually he also turned to face John, his arms folded across his chest.

They stared at each other for a moment before he spoke. "So… you don't know who I am."

John shrugged. "McKay told me who you are, but I don't remember you," he said.

Ronon's eyes narrowed and he nodded slightly. Then, without another word, he turned around and walked back out of the infirmary.

John gave a humourless chuckle. "He seems nice," he said dryly.

"He is," said McKay quickly. Then he shook his head. "No, actually, he's not really. Nice isn't really how I'd – he's your friend."

John scowled. "So was Ford, and it didn't seem to do him much good," he said darkly.

McKay didn't seem to have anything to say to that, and John was glad. They sat silently, staring at different parts of the floor, until Dr Keller came in a few moments later to lead him off for tests.

_TBC_


	4. Chapter Three

Chapter Three

Happy Easter everyone!! 

I hope this proves that I haven't forgotten this story, despite having started another one two days later. I apologise for being so weak! 

Anywho, enjoy, and feed me back… :-P

**Chapter Three**

A cat scan and MRI later, and Dr Keller decided that there was no reason for John to stay in the infirmary. She said he was fine, physically, and that moving around the city might help to jog his memory. John wasn't sure if he was happy to be let go – on the one hand, he did want to get out of the ward; on the other, he was scared about venturing out into the city. He was scared about what else had changed. 

But he wasn't about to tell Dr Keller that. He wouldn't even have told McKay, but didn't have to worry about _that_ as the scientist had been called away before the scans started. 

"You sure I'm okay to leave?" John asked casually. 

Dr Keller nodded. "Yes, but if you feel any other symptoms radio me immediately," she said as a nurse brought over John's clothes and shoes. "And let me know if you regain or lose any more of your memories." 

"Will do," said John. Keller nodded and walked away, pulling across a screen next to the bed behind her, to give John privacy to change. Well, so much for the staying-in-the-infirmary idea. Who knows, maybe walking around _would _help his memories return. 

John turned to his pile of clothes. There was a pair of black BDUs, a plain black t-shirt, and a heavy black military shirt sporting an Atlantis patch on one arm and an American flag on the other. Apparently this is what he'd been wearing when they'd brought him in – but he sure as hell hadn't seen that shirt before. 

For some reason, the sight of that shirt disconcerted him almost as much as the death toll McKay had reeled off for him. These were meant to be his clothes, but not only did he not remember putting them on, he'd never even seen them before. They didn't belong to _him_; they belonged to this other Sheppard. _Colonel _Sheppard. The man he was going to – no, had _already _become, but just didn't remember. 

In a way he wished he'd just travelled in time or something – because that's what it felt like, and it would be easier for him to accept. And it would be possible for him to change things, given the chance. There was no chance for him to change any of what had happened the past four years – all he could do was hope to remember it. John shook his head and started to change his clothes. 

John had just pulled the t-shirt on when he heard her voice. 

"Hello Jennifer. Where is he?"

He froze. 

"Hi Teyla – he's just getting changed." 

"Is he alright?" 

John couldn't help but notice the worry in her voice – it made him feel a little better, knowing that at least they were still friends. Who knew what could have happened in this crazy-ass reality. 

"Physically he's fine." 

Ignoring the strange shirt and his boots, John walked out from behind the screen. And froze again. 

If he hadn't already believed that he was really four years in the future, he would have on seeing Teyla. Considering how McKay had looked pretty much the same as ever, John hadn't really expected Teyla to look any different either. 

It turned out he was wrong about that. 

Unlike McKay, the years showed on Teyla's face. Not in a bad way – not at all – you could just see that time had passed. Her natural self assurance had increased so much that seemed to flow from her, giving her an almost regal air. Her hair was much, much shorter, framing her face, and seemed lighter. She was wearing clothes he'd never seen before – he guessed they were Athosian, but it was unlike any Athosian outfit he'd ever seen. She wore brown leather pants, a plain black top and a full-length brown coat. 

When she turned her eyes on him, John noticed something in them – like McKay, she'd seen things. Lots of things. 

Teyla raised her eyebrows, and John realised that he was gaping at her. Embarrassed, he quickly shut his mouth. "Sorry," he said gruffly. "You look… really different."

She gave him a small, sad smile. "Rodney told me what happened," she said. "You don't remember anything?" 

Okay, first off it was really weird to hear Teyla call McKay _Rodney_… and secondly – '_don't_'? Since when did Teyla use contractions? Ever? 

"Not _nothing_… but apparently it's three and a half years later than it was when I went to bed last night," John said flippantly, though he felt anything but. 

Keller smiled, amused, but Teyla frowned slightly, and John could see the worry in her eyes. She wasn't fooled by his answer. 

"Rodney and Radek are examining that device as we speak," she said. "I am sure they will find a way to reverse what happened." 

John couldn't think of anything of a response to that and so he just nodded, and tried to place the name 'Radek'. Was that Zelenka's first name? John wasn't sure. 

There were footsteps at the other end of the infirmary, and the three of them turned to see a bald, middle-aged man walking towards them. He wore glasses, carried a computer tablet under one arm, and didn't look too happy. 

"Hello Colonel," he called out as he got closer. 

John glanced over at Teyla and Keller – neither of them looked particularly happy to see him. 

"Er… hello," John said, turning back to him. 

He stopped a few feet away. "My name is Richard Woolsey," he said briskly, his tone business-like. "I'm the base commander."

John's eyebrows shot up. He hadn't given much thought to who was in charge, since hearing Elizabeth was… not. And apparently it was this guy. 

"Oh. Right."

"I understand you've lost a lot of your memory," said Woolsey. 

"Yeah… seems like it," said John, inwardly rolling his eyes at the blandness of his answers. 

Woolsey nodded. "I'm sure you'll understand that I must take you off active duty for the time being," he said. "Major Lorne will take over your duties – just until you regain your memories."

John had been expecting that, so his only real though was _who the hell is Lorne_? "Right," he said. To tell the truth, being taken off duty was the least of his worries at that moment. 

Woolsey looked over at Keller. "You're letting him leave the infirmary?" 

The look Keller gave him was decidedly frosty. John shot Teyla a look of surprise, and she gave him a tiny smile. John figured he'd ask her the history later. 

"I think walking around the city, seeing some familiar faces might help his memory," said Keller, her voice practically dripping with disdain. 

Woolsey narrowed his eyes at her, squaring his shoulders. Keller raised an eyebrow defiantly. 

There was silence as the two of them stared each other down, and the air was thick with tension. John looked over at Teyla again – her bottom lip was moving like she was chewing on the inside of it, and she was looking at Keller, a half sympathetic, half pleading expression on her face. 

He _definitely _had to ask her what was going on. 

"I see," said Woolsey eventually. "Very well." He turned to face Teyla. "Teyla, it might be best if you keep and eye on him."

John was torn between indignation that this Woolsey thought he needed to be chaperoned, and excitement about being chaperoned by Teyla. Plus… well, he supposed it wouldn't hurt to have someone explaining things to him.

Teyla looked over at him and he waggled his eyebrows at her cheekily, making her roll her eyes. "I will," she said to Woolsey. 

Woolsey nodded his thanks, gave John and Keller one more look, and then turned and strode out of the infirmary. 

Teyla immediately turned to Keller. "Jennifer…"

"I know, I know – I just can't help it!" She said. She sighed. "I've got a lot of work to be getting on with – Colonel, remember what I said." 

John nodded. "No problem," he said. 

Keller nodded. "Alright then," she said. "I'll see you both later." She gave Teyla a smile and walked away, in the opposite direction to Woolsey. 

"You're gonna explain that, right?" John said to Teyla as soon as she was out of earshot. 

Teyla gave him a small smile. "Are you hungry?" She asked him. 

John quirked an eyebrow at her blatant change of subject, but didn't comment on it. "Sure," he said. "Apparently I was about to have lunch when this happened."

"Good, we will go and eat" said Teyla. Then she smirked. "You may want to put on some shoes." 

John realised that he was standing there in his socks, and he grinned. "If you insist," he said. He ducked back behind the screen and quickly put on his boots. He stood back up and looked down at the shirt draped across the bed. The shirt he'd been wearing when this had happened. The shirt he couldn't even remember. 

John picked it up, but he couldn't bring himself to put it on. For some reason it just felt… wrong. Like it wasn't _his _shirt. It belonged to Colonel Sheppard, this guy he knew hardly anything about. 

He stepped out from behind the screen and smiled at Teyla. "Okay then," he said. "Tell me about Colonel Sheppard." 

_TBC_


	5. Chapter Four

Thanks so much for the feedback so far – there's lots of talking in this chapter, so sorry if you don't like that!

It's half past three in the morning here (I'm still jet-lagged from Canada) so please forgive any crazy mistakes I've made :-S

Enjoy!

_**Chapter Four**_

It was the same city, but then again it _wasn't_. It was… cleaner. More efficient. There were more people there, and most of them were new faces to John. The uniforms were different. Lots of things were different.

John had left the infirmary with Teyla determined to get as much information as possible out of her… but as soon as they had left he'd been too busy staring round the city to pay much attention to what she was saying. She was explaining about how they had got back in touch with Earth – something about a siege on the city by the Wraith. It was strange to think that the siege John had been half dreading for a few months had already taken place years ago, and so he tried _not _to think about it.

Eventually they reached the mess hall, and it is there that John started to feel glad for the sudden, strange turn of events. In this time, they had got back in touch with Earth – and the evidence was all around them in the mess.

There were fresh vegetables he hadn't had since coming to Atlantis – broccoli, carrots, _potatoes_. God, he'd missed fresh potatoes. There was a selection of candy bars. Roasted chicken or vegetable lasagne. John knew he was grinning like an idiot, but he was even excited by the sight of the Evian bottles – water from the Atlantis tanks tasted so metallic.

Teyla seemed quite unfazed by the breadth of choice, and John watched with some amusement as she took her time deciding over a Twix and a bag of Maltesers. She chose the Twix in the end, and John picked up the Maltesers, thinking she could have some of his anyway.

John followed Teyla to a table in the far corner of the mess, and she nodded to him to sit down beside her, so that they were both facing the rest of the hall.

"This will be an excellent opportunity to observe the other members of the expedition, and for you to ask any questions about them," she said as he took the seat.

John looked – the hall was pretty empty at the moment, as it was so early in the evening, and he thought he recognised everyone there, so he just tucked into his chicken. Soon, though, the hall started filling with people, and John found himself asking for name after name, until in the end Teyla just started pointing people out.

"That is Dr Dewberry – she is a dental surgeon; that man with the beard is Dr Rouse – he is an expert in jumper avionics, and you help him with his experiments quite often…"

"I do?"

"Yes, he often needs to test theories to do with manoeuvrability and he does not have the Ancient gene. That is Lieutenants Blake and George – they arrived on the Daedalus only last month, and I do not know them well, but you seem to like them and Ronon was certainly impressed by Blake's martial arts skills."

"Okay."

"That woman is Dr Omagh, she is a botanist, and just took over from Katie Brown – "

"What happened to Katie Brown?"

"She went back to Earth about six months ago."

"At least she didn't die. Why did she go back?"

"She was seeing Rodney and they – "

"Woah woah _woah_ – Katie Brown and _McKay_? _Seriously_?"

"Yes, they were in a relationship for well over a year."

"Sheesh."

"But they broke up, and Katie left."

"Wow. Why did they break up."

"Actually, you knew the story in far greater detail than I…"

"Well, not anymore –"

"'Evening Colonel, Teyla."

John looked up. There was a young woman standing next to their table – she looked military, but she was definitely another newbie. She had walked over to their table from the side, so Teyla hadn't had a chance to tell John her name before she'd spoken.

"Hey," said John, after a moment.

"Good evening, Major Teldy," said Teyla.

Major Teldy rolled her eyes. "Teyla, I told you to call me Anne," she said, walking round the table to stand in front of them both.

John looked round at Teyla, and saw her nodding. "Of course, I forgot," she said, glancing at John with an amused look on her face.

John smirked. Like _hell _she had – that had been for his benefit, he was sure. She was _crafty_.

"Where's TJ?" Asked Teldy.

John watched as the amusement disappeared from Teyla's face; she glanced at John again, her eyes wide with nervousness and uncertainty. John raised an eyebrow. _Interesting_.

Teyla turned back to Major Teldy. "He is with my people," she said.

Teldy nodded. "Okay – sorry I interrupted, I just wanted to make sure we were still on for tomorrow," she said.

Teyla gave her another smile. "Absolutely," she said. "I will see you then."

Teldy grinned. "Great – see you tomorrow," she said. She nodded to John. "Colonel."

John nodded back. "Major," he said. Teldy turned and headed for the exit, and watched her leave for a few moments before turning his attention back to Teyla.

"I am training her in several fighting techniques," Teyla said before John could ask anything. "She is a very keen pupil."

John nodded. "Cool… who's TJ?"

Again, that nervous expression passed over Teyla's features, and John worked to keep his expression neutral, even though he was suddenly dreading her answer. She was obviously scared to tell him.

Teyla gave him a small smile. "Tagan… he is my son."

At first, John was sure he couldn't have heard her correctly. There was suddenly what seemed like a dull roaring in his ears, and that must be why he thought she'd said that. "Your son?" He repeated though, just to make sure.

"Yes."

The roaring in John's ears increased, but he was now sure he hadn't misheard. But… _but…_

"You have a _son_?" He said incredulously.

Teyla nodded. "Yes," she said seriously. "He is three months old."

"Wow." It wasn't what John had quite wanted to say, but there were lots of people around, and so it best to stay polite. And calm. He had to stay calm.

Inside though, he was anything _but _calm. He was a very special, very dangerous kind of _uncalm_. The kind of uncalm that led to fist fights and hangovers and nights in jail. Teyla had a _son_. She was a _mother_.

He didn't want to ask. God, how he _didn't _want to ask. But he had to. "So… are you… married?" He winced inwardly at the forced nonchalance in his tone.

Teyla's answer was immediate. "No." John started to feel a little calmer, but not much. Teyla was shaking her head. "No – Tagan's father was killed several months ago." She paused. "The same day he was born."

John saw the sadness in her eyes as she said the words, and his sense of uncalm dissipated almost at once. Not from relief that her… whatever… was dead (though he was ashamed to admit that was certainly _part _of it), but from sadness for her. Whatever had happened, it was still hurting her, and John needed to know what it was, so that he could start helping her through it.

He didn't have to ask – Teyla started telling the story at once.

"It is a… long story… but… just under a year ago, my people were taken, Kanaan among them. They were missing for many months, and we did not find them until I was also captured, four months ago. Many of them were dead, experimented on. Kanaan was one of those experimented on, and he died during the rescue. Tagan was born during the mission, and now the remainder of my people are back on Atlantis."

Her voice was matter-of-fact, but her eyes betrayed her pain, and John's heart ached for her. He was sitting sideways in his chair to face her, and she had swivelled round a little in hers towards him. John wanted to reach out and… well he didn't know what exactly. Squeeze her hand? Give her a hug? He'd never done either before… not that he could _remember _anyway. He wondered idly whether he and Teyla had that kind of relationship nowadays, where they could go to the other for comfort when they needed it. It wasn't exactly something he felt comfortable about asking her.

John hadn't missed the casual way the father's name had been dropped into the story. Kanaan. John had met him once, but he kept himself to himself, away from the Atlantis personnel and from John. John knew that he and Teyla were very good friends, but he was sure that that was all they were in his… memory time. Their relationship must have started sometime after.

John realised suddenly that he'd been sitting in silence since Teyla had finished her story.

"I'm sorry," he said, feeling totally lame. It was all he could think to say though – he'd always been so bad at things like this. He decided to get to the root of Teyla's story. "Who captured you?" He asked her.

Teyla raised an eyebrow and gave him a rueful look. "That is also a long story," she said. "A very complicated one."

"Right." It was probably a sore point, too, so John decided not to push the subject. He thought back to what had brought up the story in the first place. "So… Tagan huh?" He said, forcing a smile onto his face. "Isn't that your father's name?"

Teyla nodded, smiling herself, and John patted himself on the back for remembering her Lord-of-the-Ring-esque introduction all those months ago. "Yes, I named him for my father," Teyla told him.

"Nice," said John, still smiling. "You know, I could have sworn she called him TJ…"

Teyla was still smiling, but John thought she looked a little wary again. No maybe not _wary_… but there was something in the look she had when she spoke again. "She did – most people on Atlantis call him by that nickname," she told him. "It's… his name is Tagan John."

The fake smile fell from John's face as he gaped at her. "Seriously?"

Teyla's cheeks were a little pink, and John realised the look had been embarrassment. "Yes," she said.

John didn't know what to say. Literally. He cast around for words, any words to say in response to that announcement, but none came to mind. She had named her son after him. She had _named _her _son_ after him. After _him_.

Tagan _John_.

TJ.

Wow. That was just so… John just didn't know. He couldn't even think it. This was Teyla – the amazing alien warrior leader he'd met a couple of months ago, and she was telling him that she had named her child after him.

Teyla seemed to be waiting for him to say something, and John once again struggled to find some words. He cleared his throat.

"Wow," he said faintly. "That's… _wow_."

That was the best he could come up with. And he was still gaping at her.

Teyla didn't seem to mind – she gave him a mischievous smile. "Ronon and Rodney were very upset," she told him. "Especially Rodney. He wouldn't speak to me for… hours."

John didn't laugh. He couldn't. "I don't really know what to say," he said after a moment. "I mean… god, to me, we've only known each other three months. And now you're telling me that you named your son…"

Teyla placed her hand on his arm and gave it a soft squeeze. "We have been through a lot, John," she said.

John swallowed. "I bet," he said weakly. Teyla smiled again and removed her hand, and John found himself equal parts relieved and disappointed. They lapsed into a slightly uncomfortable silence, and then John cleared his throat.

"On a related subject… when did you start calling me John?" He asked her. Teyla looked at him sharply, her eyebrows raised, and John was quick to clarify his question. "I mean, you've never – you always called me Major."

Teyla gave him another smile. "You told me to call you John when we are off duty," she said. "It was about two months after we made contact with Earth."

John looked at her in surprise. "That's precise," he said.

Teyla raised one eyebrow again and paused, seemingly considering her answer. "It was a… memorable conversation."

"Memorable?" Repeated John. He raised his eyebrows. "Do I wanna know?"

Teyla chuckled. "No, probably not," she said.

John nodded, accepting that answer. He shrugged. "It kind of threw me when McKay called me John," he told her.

Teyla looked thoughtful. "Actually, Rodney does not call you John very often," she said. "Though you almost always call him Rodney."

"Really?" John paused, and could feel his expression harden as he spoke. "What about Ronon?"

"Ronon calls you John. A lot of the time, anyway," said Teyla. She gave John a piercing look and her voice turned serious. "Have you seen him?"

John could feel himself frowning. He couldn't help himself. He'd woken up to find half his friends were dead or gone, and then there was suddenly this huge, unfriendly guy standing there in front of him, who _apparently _he was teammates with. He knew it wasn't Ronon's fault, but whenever John thought of him, he could only think of the people he's _replaced_, and he couldn't help feeling resentful.

"He came to the infirmary for a minute," he told Teyla.

Teyla sighed and looked away, out of the window. "This will be hard for him," she said sadly.

John snorted. "Yeah, the poor guy," he said sarcastically.

Teyla immediately looked back at him, her eyes flashing, but John stared back defiantly. Teyla sighed again. "John… Ronon is a very private person, and you and he…" Her voice trailed off for a moment. "You are very close," she finished.

"Really," said John bitterly. Teyla frowned at him, and he finally relented, looking down at the table. "Sorry, I just…"

Teyla's hand appeared on his arm again. "I know this is hard for you," she said softly. "But it is not exactly easy for us."

Us. They were all an _us_, an us that John wasn't a part of anymore, and might never be again.

Hard for him? Damn right it was.

_TBC_


	6. Chapter Five

Chapter Four

_Since Jason Momoa (and then Joe Mallozzi) confirmed that Ronon is in fact keeping the dreads now, I've had to go back and change the bit with Ronon in the infirmary so he doesn't have short hair. Just so y'all know. _

_Anyway, I'm back at university now, so updates will probably be even rarer! However, I also like to write to relax from work, so you never know, it might go the other way entirely! I do have the next chapter entirely planned out, so you might be seeing that very soon. _

_Thanks for all the fab feedback I've been getting – I hope you enjoy this update._

_**Chapter Five**_

John had never really done photos. He'd had a couple tacked onto the inside of his locker like everyone else, but he wasn't the kind of guy that had an apartment full of framed pictures of friends and family. It wasn't that he had a dislike of photographs or something like that – if he'd ever really thought about it, he would have realised that the reason he didn't have photographs or any other kind of random knick knacks in his apartment was because it wasn't home to him. He'd never been in a place where he'd felt compelled to collect items around him.

There had been photos when he'd lived with Nancy, and knick knacks, but they had been hers. As much as he – as they both – had tried, that house hadn't been _his _home; he'd just dropped in every couple of months from wherever they'd sent him.

So, the thing that John found most surprising when Teyla showed him to his quarters after lunch was not that he'd moved quarters at some point; it was the sheer amount of _stuff _there was lying around. The Johnny Cash poster he'd snuck to Atlantis in his pack was still in pride of place above his bed, and he was pleased to see War and Peace still lying on his bedside table. But in contrast to the sparseness he remembered, his quarters was quite literally littered with evidence that they were in contact with Earth.

There was a stack of DVDs on his desk against the wall, a small pile of magazines on the table in front of the couch in the corner; the end of a skateboard poked out from under his bed and his guitar, which had been in storage for at least a year before he'd come to Atlantis, was propped up against the wall. There was a pair of jeans tossed over one end of the sofa and a pair of sneakers on the floor by the desk.

A candle in a carved wooden holder stood on top of his bookcase. And then there were the photos. There weren't many, and they weren't in completely obvious places, but they were there.

Teyla was hovering in the doorway, watching as John looked around his quarters. Eventually he turned back to her, and she gave him an encouraging smile. "I am sure that being here will help you to remember," she said.

John seriously doubted it, but he decided to keep that particular piece of pessimism to himself.

"I'm just going to go and collect some mission files," she said. "I will be back soon."

"Er, okay," said John. And she was gone, leaving him alone in the unfamiliar room. Still, at least this was a room he recognised. He might not remember being there before, but it did, somehow, feel like it was _his_. He laid the shirt he was still carrying on the end of the bed and sat down next to it, only to stand up again straight away. He walked over the bookcase and stared at the candle. It was quite big, and yellow, and looked Athosian. Not that candles differed all that much to John's mind – he assumed it was Athosian anyway, and wondered why he had it. It had obviously been lit – not for long by the looks of it, but lit nonetheless. It was nice and all, but he did candles even less than he did photos.

Speaking of which, there were two photos in frames on the top shelf directly under the candle. John picked up the first one – it was of him, Ford, Dr Weir, Teyla and McKay. They were standing on one of the balconies, windswept but smiling. John had no memory of when it had been taken. He stared at it for a long moment, his fingers tightening on the frame. Ford was missing. Weir was dead. They were both gone.

John replaced the frame and picked up the other one. It was one of those ones that held two photos and opened like a book. It was a team photo of the team John didn't remember – himself, McKay, Teyla and Ronon. They were standing on the steps in the gateroom, all in uniform except for Ronon who wore a long brown leather coat over clothes similar to what John had seen him in earlier. John stared at him, at the firm set of his jaw and the way his brows were pulled low, almost frowning at the camera. Teyla had said he was close to Ronon, and John didn't think she was lying – still, it was a little hard to imagine. It certainly hadn't seemed that way in the infirmary.

John shifted his attention to the other photo in the frame, and couldn't help but smile. It was the same scene, and must have been taken a few seconds before or after the other photo – but in this one, John had McKay in a headlock and his mouth was wide open… it looked like he was trying to bite off his ear. McKay was doubling over, trying to get away from him, his face red and very, very annoyed. Teyla, who was standing next to McKay and one step up, had her head turned towards them and a look of pure exasperation (mingled with a tinge of amusement) on her face, and Ronon… Ronon was standing next to John, and a step down, and his head was thrown back as he obviously roared with laughter.

John stared at Ronon once again, his smile fading. So, the guy had a sense of humour. That was good to know, at least.

John put the pictures back on the shelf and turned round to face the rest of the room. He picked up his copy of War and Peace and saw that he was about two-thirds of the way through it. He nudged the skateboard out from under his bed and saw that it was his old skateboard that he had had since he was fifteen, and had been in storage with his guitar. He pushed it back under the bed. He wandered over to the desk and looked at the titles of the DVDs – there were some he didn't recognise at all. He picked up one and saw from the back that it had been made in 2007. He put it back down without reading the blurb. He drummed his fingers on top of his laptop – it was small, sleek and silver, and had the Atlantis logo on the front of it… he hadn't had a laptop before. Then he saw the other framed photo, on one corner of his desk and half-hidden behind a stack of empty folders.

John froze and stared at it for a few seconds before reaching out very slowly and picking it up.

The picture was of him, sitting on the couch in his room. He was wearing basically what he was wearing right now and he was… he was holding a baby. John was holding him so that he was also facing the camera, one arm under his legs and the other across his chest. One of the baby's arms was over his, and his head was resting against the side of his neck. The baby had very dark brown hair, tanned skin and dark brown eyes that were focused on something to the left of the camera.

John stared down at little Tagan, never doubting for a second who it was. He looked _just _like Teyla.

John dragged his eyes away from Tagan to look at himself again, taking in his wide smile. John had never been that comfortable around babies… not that he'd ever really been around them that much… but he looked completely at ease holding Tagan like that. He looked… well, _happy_.

John jumped slightly as his doors slid open and Teyla walked in again, carrying a pile of about twenty mission reports. John's brain was telling him to put down the photo and go and take them out of her hands, but instead he just tightened his grip on the picture of him and Teyla's baby and stood in complete silence, watching her.

Teyla didn't seem to mind that John didn't jump to help her- she walked straight over to the table by the couch and put the pile down, and then turned to face him, smiling.

"These are the reports up to just before the siege – it will take us a while to…" Her voice trailed off when she saw what he was holding, and her gaze became intense, as though she were trying to bore into his mind and discover what he was thinking.

John cleared his throat. "So – er – he… looks like you," he said lamely. He could feel his cheeks reddening slightly – had Teyla already known that he had this photo of her son in his quarters, on his desk? _Why _did he have a picture of him with her son?

Teyla seemed to relax and she gave him a bright smile, and John felt himself relax as well. "Thank you," she said. "That picture was only taken a few weeks ago."

"Yeah?"

"Yes – I made the mistake of leaving him alone with you and Ronon."

John blinked. "What? Mistake? What did I do?" Dear Lord… had he – and Ronon – done something awful to Tagan?

Teyla just smiled again. "Have you noticed his hair?"

John frowned and looked down at the photo again, this time at Tagan's hair. He didn't have too much of it, being two months old, but John now noticed that what he did have was slicked and styled so it stuck up at the front almost like his did. In fact, _exactly _like his did.

John looked back up at Teyla, horrified. "I didn't do that, did I?"

Teyla raised an eyebrow at him, smirking. "Well, Ronon claims it was you, and you swear it was Ronon," she said. "I believe it was a dual effort."

John shook his head, wondering why Teyla didn't look angry with him. He had played with her baby as though he was a doll. And John had never played with dolls. _What the hell_?!

Teyla laughed suddenly. "John… it was only water – do not worry," she said.

The news that it was water and not hair gel on Tagan's head made John feel slightly better, but only slightly.

"Well, I'm sorry," he said sincerely.

Teyla grinned. "It could have been worse," she said. "You could have tried to recreate Ronon's hairstyle."

John laughed, imagining what a baby with dreads would look like. He gave the picture one last look before placing it back on the desk. Now that he knew Teyla wasn't angry about what he – they – had done, he didn't feel too bad about it… it was a very cute picture. He mused that he just found it strange that he was that confident with Teyla and with her son to do something like that. This whole situation was just beyond weird.

Also, John was once again rethinking his initial reaction to Ronon. Here was further proof that his new teammate did in fact have a sense of humour, and that he and John had fun together. Hearing Teyla talk about them as though they were a pair of misbehaving schoolboys was certainly food for thought. John resolved to track Ronon down soon and actually have a conversation with the guy.

John turned back to Teyla and gave her a small smile. "So… you were saying about the reports?"

"I think it will take us a little while to get through these – I suggest we read them together, and I can answer any questions you may have," she said. "Hopefully it will help you to remember." She sat down on the couch and picked up one of the folders.

John nodded and walked over to join her. "Okay – whose reports are they?"

"Yours."

John sat down next to Teyla and she handed him the folder she held. He looked down at the label on the front and saw 'Major John Sheppard' stamped across the front in bold black letter.

"Right," he said weakly. "Let's get started."

_TBC_


	7. Chapter Six

Poisoning the Well

Okay, this one turned out to be lo-ho-hong. There's a lot of talking, and you're all going to have to cast your minds back to series one to understand the first third of the chapter – have fun with that!

Thank you so much for all the reviews – over 100 for six chapters (five, really, as I only got 1 for the prologue…)? I'm blown away. Thanks!

_**Chapter Six**_

"Sounds like Beckett had a pretty bad time of it."

"Yes, Carson was under a lot of pressure. And he blamed himself."

John looked up at Teyla as she spoke, and didn't miss the flicker of sadness in her eyes as she said Carson's name. He cast around for something to say, but there wasn't anything. He looked back down at the mission report and kept reading.

"Poor guy."

XXX

"Why do I get the feeling that this isn't the last time we encounter the Genii?" John said, putting down the mission report and reaching for the next. Teyla just smiled at him and nodded to the file he held in his hand.

"Keep reading."

XXX

"This has to be the craziest thing I've ever read."

"It was certainly a… strange… experience," said Teyla, smiling. "It seemed so real. I would never have known the difference. But you did."

"No it's not that… I… we went to Earth and I took you _shopping_?"

Teyla raised her eyebrows at the look of total incredulity on John's face.

"Yes, clothes shopping," she answered.

John shook his head. "That's just… so crazy," he said.

"I greatly enjoyed the experience," said Teyla.

John snorted. "Yeah, most women do," he said. He glanced at Teyla, wondering if she'd be annoyed at his little quip, but she just smiled again.

"There's just so much more to Earth than the mall," said John. "Well, I hope I made up for it when I _really _took you to Earth."

Teyla's smile faded and she looked away. John frowned. "I have taken you to Earth right?" He asked her. "You _must _have been…"

"I have," said Teyla. "Once. But… I did not leave the SGC, and you were not with me."

John gaped at her. "What?"

"It was for a review with the IOA…"

John couldn't – didn't _want _to – believe what he was hearing. "And that's the _only time _you've been to Earth?"

"Yes," said Teyla. There was a moment's silence, and then Teyla chuckled. "Do not look so… astonished, John. There has never been a good time, and you yourself have only been back a handful of times, and always for very specific reasons."

"I should have made time," said John firmly. "I'm really sorry."

Teyla frowned slightly, but then smiled, though it was an uncertain smile. "Really John, it is alright," she said.

John shook his head. "We're going to Earth," he promised. "Really soon."

Teyla stared at him for a moment, and then nodded. "Alright."

XXX

"Wow, this Kolya is a total asshole."

"It is pronounced Kol-lee-a. And yes."

John looked up from the report. "Tell me he's dead," he said.

Teyla nodded briskly. "He is," she said. "You killed him, about eighteen months ago."

John nodded. "Good," he said.

He looked back down at the mission report, but he didn't continue reading. This report… this report got to him. John had killed lots of people in his time in the Airforce, but he'd never relished the opportunity. He was glad that this Kolya guy was dead, because he was sure that he must have caused even more trouble if he had been alive up until eighteen months ago. But reading the description he'd written of how he'd gone John McClain on the Genii in the city was pretty weird. John liked to think of himself as someone who'd protect his friends, and protect his home, but really, even though he liked Atlantis a lot, it wasn't really home. Not yet. He was so glad he was there, and wouldn't want to be anywhere else, and it sure was starting to feel like home, but reading how he'd killed all those people to save the empty city, in plain black and white, was unnerving. It wasn't that he wouldn't do it – wouldn't do whatever necessary to save McKay and Weir, and get the city back – but reading that he already had was… it was evidence that he did feel that Atlantis was his home, even only a couple of months after he remembered.

It was strange that he didn't feel that comforted by the idea.

XXX

"So a bunch of fireflies saved me?"

"Yes, and Rodney."

"Yeah, I noticed that. I guess those shooting lessons finally paid off."

XXX

"The city has a quarantine mechanism? Seriously?"

"Yes, it activates if it detects any kind of airborne virus."

John quirked an eyebrow at Teyla. "It says here we were sparring – just how badly were you kicking my ass?"

Teyla smiled. "Very," she said primly.

John grinned and looked back down at the report. This he was sad he couldn't remember – being locked in a room alone with Teyla wasn't exactly high on his list of nightmares.

"Has it ever happened again?" John asked Teyla. "The quarantine thing, I mean."

"Yes, actually, about six months ago," she answered.

"Oh yeah? Where was I stuck that time?"

"In Rodney's lab."

John groaned. "Oh _god_."

Teyla laughed. "He wasn't there," she said. "You were stuck with me again."

John grinned. "Really?" Then he thought about it. "Hang on – you were pregnant six months ago, right?"

"Yes," said Teyla. She grinned. "You were terrified I was going to give birth while we were trapped."

"It always happens that way in the movies…"

XXX

_Wow_. Uncomfortable. Like totally, _totally _uncomfortable. He'd been pretty tactful, writing this report, but John was good at reading between the lines. Especially his own.

John read the report as quickly as possible, skimming in places, and then put it aside. It seemed kind of wrong to be reading about his adventures with another woman while Teyla was sitting next to him… not that he'd done anything _wrong_, and it wasn't like they were even together _now_… hell, she'd even had a baby with another man! But still… uncomfortable. It was weird.

And John didn't even want to think about the fact she was ascended. That was _really _weird.

"We never saw her again," said Teyla softly. Suddenly.

John looked at her, finally, but didn't say anything in response. Again, there was nothing to say, really.

XXX

"So, Weir went back in time and changed the ZPMs around, and then was in stasis for thousands of years, and then woke up, and told us the story of how she'd changed the past."

"Yes."

"This place puts the twilight zone to shame."

XXX

"Wow, thank god I remembered that question from the Mensa test…"

"Yes, you mentioned that at the time," said Teyla, tilting her head to one side. "Rodney was most impressed."

"Oh yeah?"

"He invited you to join his Mensa chapter."

John looked sickened. "Tell me I didn't," he said.

Teyla smiled. "Not that I know of," she said. "But you may be keeping it a secret…"

John shuddered. "Don't even _joke_…"

XXX

John wasn't heartless, but he was surprised, given the seriousness of the mission, that he had allowed himself and Teyla to risk their position so blatantly.

"How many people did we manage to save?" He asked her.

Teyla dipped her head sadly. "Only ten or so," she said. "As many as we were able."

John nodded, and started to read the report again, but he could feel Teyla's eyes on him. He looked back up, and she took a deep breath.

"It was not a… it was a deeply unpleasant experience," she said. "We disagreed very strongly."

John frowned. There wasn't a trace of any disagreement in his report, and he'd almost finished it. "How do you mean 'disagreed'?" He asked after a moment.

"You did not… you were angry with me for promising Orin that we would go back for him," she said.

John raised an eyebrow. _Ah_.

"You said that it was not meant to be a rescue, and that it might compromise the mission to wait for him and his family."

John wanted to argue, to tell her he wouldn't ever say something like that, but he knew that wasn't true. It just made John kind of sick to think that that was what it had come to.

Because he understood where he had been coming from. It was a sad fact of being a soldier that sometimes people had to be sacrificed in order to obtain the objective. If he and Teyla didn't get that intel back to Atlantis then it wouldn't have only been Orin in danger, it would have been everyone in the city. But still, it didn't mean that John liked it. He didn't, at all.

From what he could remember, things hadn't gotten that bad. Yet. He hadn't had to become that ruthless. It saddened him that he had had to.

"In the end, I told you I was staying no matter what," said Teyla.

John didn't say anything – he just looked at Teyla, wondering if she realised that that was the reason he had stayed as well, and not found somewhere better to hide the jumper. It wasn't written in his report that that was why, but John knew deep down that it was. There's no way he'd leave Teyla like that.

John opened his mouth to say something to relieve the tension, but Teyla suddenly frowned and then tapped her earpiece.

"Teyla here… oh – yes, no do not worry… yes I am but I will meet you – oh, alright then…"

John raised an eyebrow at the one-sided exchange. Teyla glanced at him several times while she was speaking and was on her feet by the end of it.

"That was Dr Keller," she said. "She has Tagan but she needs to go back to the infirmary, so she is dropping him off."

John's eyebrows shot up. "Oh."

"She said she was very close by – I told her earlier where I would be…" Teyla's voice trailed off as she started to walk towards the door, and John stood up, feeling all kinds of awkward. What should he do in this situation? What did he usually do? Tell Teyla to go? Tell her to stay, with Tagan?

Oh god, he was about to meet Teyla's son. He couldn't help glancing over at the picture on his desk, and drew little comfort from it. He was _not _good with babies. Okay, it looked like the him in the picture was comfortable enough with them, or with Tagan at least, but _this _him really was not.

He didn't have time to ponder his dilemma, though, because a second later his door chimes sounded and Teyla palmed it open.

Since Teyla was standing in the doorway she blocked most of Keller – John could only see her face. She looked highly flustered.

"I'm so sorry about this Teyla – it's Raymond again, and apparently he's not imagining it this time –"

"It is fine, Jennifer," said Teyla. She took a white shoulder bag from the doctor and slung it over her shoulder.

"I fed him an hour ago and he's been asleep pretty much since then," said Keller. John saw Teyla shift her weight, presumably because she'd just been handed her son.

"Thank you," said Teyla.

Keller nodded. "Any time," she said. She looked over Teyla's shoulder at John. "How are you feeling, Colonel?" She asked him.

John shrugged. "The headache's gone," he said.

Keller nodded, narrowing her eyes slightly at him, and then stepped back. "Alright, I have to go – see you both later!"

She left, Teyla took a step back, the door closed again, and John got his first glimpse of baby Tagan.

He hadn't changed much from the picture on the desk, save that he was bigger and had slightly longer hair. He was wearing distinctly Earth-made baby clothes and sat in baby-carrier from Earth, but his legs were covered in an Athosian blanket, and he wore a tiny woven bracelet around his wrist. As Keller had said, he was fast asleep.

John stared at him. This was Teyla's baby. Her son. She was this baby's _mother_. Nothing he had seen and heard all day quite compared to looking at this baby and knowing that simple fact – Teyla was his mother.

Since finding out that Teyla had a son, John had avoided dwelling on that fact. Now though, with said son right in front of him, it was a little hard not to, and John wasn't sure how he felt about him. It wasn't that he _resented _him or anything, it was more like seeing Tagan brought home to John how everything had gone… off track. If you had told him yesterday (the yesterday he _remembered_, anyway) that in three years time Teyla would have a baby, John would have been excited – excited at the thought that maybe that baby was his too. Yesterday, the thought of him and Teyla together wasn't such an alien concept (excuse the pun) to him – he definitely had feelings stronger than friendship for her, and was biding his time, waiting for the opportunity to speak up. He'd never been good at that kind of thing – not when it really mattered, anyway – and so he'd been waiting.

Now, here was proof that everything he'd been planning on saying was never said. Or, it was said and he was rejected. John couldn't quite decide what was worse. He had a feeling, though, that it was the first one that was true – not because he was so sure Teyla wouldn't reject him, but because she was so comfortable around him, and it was obvious that they were still close, even if they were only friends. So, he hadn't said anything. In three years. Nothing.

He supposed he could have just got over it – but he found that hard to believe, too. Little snippets of things he read in his mission reports told him how deeply he still cared for her, and even though they were a few years old now, he doubted his feelings had changed.

Obviously, he had just misunderstood their relationship. He'd always thought of them as friends and teammates who could so easily be something more – Teyla had obviously only ever regarded him as a friend, and he'd been astute enough to realise this before making a complete fool of himself. It hurt, but it wasn't her fault, and it certainly wasn't little Tagan's. It was all him.

These thoughts and realisations crowded John's mind as he stared down at Tagan, who was oblivious of the inner turmoil he was creating. Oblivious and totally innocent – John really had to get over himself.

With that in mind, John looked back up at Teyla and gave her a small smile. "So… what now?" He asked her. He had no idea what the normal Teyla-with-her-baby protocol was. "If you have to leave I don't mind… there's only one report left, anyway."

Teyla glanced at the one report left, sitting next to the pile of read ones, and then looked back at John. "That is one report that you will most likely have many questions about," she said after a moment.

"Oh," said John. He'd had questions about all of them so far, so he doubted this one would be different. But Teyla looked… nervous? Anxious?

John put his hands in his pockets. "Well, you wanna stay then?" He asked her.

Teyla shifted the weight of Tagan's carrier in her arms and bit her lip. "Do you mind?" She asked him.

John couldn't help a glance down at Tagan, though he answered at once. "No, not at all," he said. "Of course not."

Teyla nodded and carefully placed Tagan's carrier on one end of the sofa before sitting back on her chair. John carefully sat back down on the sofa, trying to keep a little space between him and the baby, desperate not to wake him up. Tagan didn't seem to notice his change in circumstances though – he slept on, his head low in between his shoulders. He didn't look very comfortable to John.

"Is he okay like that?" Asked John.

Teyla nodded. "He is fine," she said.

"Alright." John glanced at Tagan again, and then reached forward for the last report. He saw from the front that, as it didn't have a designation number on it, whatever it was about must have happened on base. He flipped it open and started to read. It was mostly about Teyla, and John soon discovered what Teyla had meant by him having questions.

He looked up at her, his eyes wide. "You're kidding me," he said. "You have _wraith DNA_?"

Teyla nodded. "A little, yes," she said calmly. "It is how I am able to sense when the Wraith are near."

John gaped at her, unable to grasp the concept. How was she so calm about this? Sure it had happened a few years ago, but still… "Are you – I mean, you must have been a little…"

Teyla gave him a faint smile. "It was very disconcerting at first, but my abilities have come in useful quite often," she said, still sounding infuriatingly calm.

"Well, yeah, I'm not saying it's not useful that you can sense the Wraith…" said John, still trying to locate his own sense of calm. He was sitting there reading a report by him that he didn't remember writing, which was telling him Teyla shared DNA with their worst enemy, and she was totally fine with it. Plus, there was a baby next to him.

John was impressed by how _little _he was freaking out right now.

"It is more than that," said Teyla. "I – this is in that report – I discovered that I am able to communicate with the Wraith, when they are close by."

John blinked. "Communicate?"

"Yes. I also managed to take control of a Wraith queen."

Woah woah WOAH. "_Seriously?_" John's mouth was hanging open but he didn't think to even try and close it.

Teyla swallowed and then nodded. It was the first time in the last few minutes that her calm had cracked, and it made John feel marginally better. Marginally. "Yes – but it was because I was pregnant at the time," she explained. "Tagan also has wraith DNA, and our combined strength allowed me to take control of the queen."

John suddenly felt like his head was spinning on his shoulders. "Why would you want to do that?" He asked in disbelief. "And when you were pregnant? I _let _you do that?" The horrible thought that Teyla could have so easily been added to the horrific death toll McKay had given to him because John had kept her on active duty when she was pregnant crossed his mind.

Teyla looked at him intently. "You had been captured, as had Rodney and Ronon," she said. "I took over the queen to set you all free."

John kept staring at her, and Teyla looked down at Tagan's carrier. "You took me off active duty as soon as you discovered I was with child," she said.

_Well thank god for that_. John was glad that he had been sane about that, at least. Still though, he hadn't missed the tension in Teyla's voice just then, and figured that she probably hadn't been too happy about being removed from the team. He thought about asking her, but decided not to dredge up old demons, if indeed they had existed.

He looked down at Tagan again. The baby was still asleep, but he'd turned his head at some point and was now facing John. His tiny eyelids were flickering as he dreamt.

"So Tagan will be able to sense the wraith as well?" John asked after a moment.

Teyla nodded. "Yes… and his abilities are likely to be strong, since Kanaan also had the gift," she said quietly.

"Right." _Kanaan_. John had given even less thought to Tagan's father as to Tagan. Unlike Tagan, though, John still didn't want to think about him. Not right now.

John sat back against the sofa and stared unseeingly at the report on his lap and then looked back up at Teyla. She was watching him closely, a worried frown on her face. He gave a little shrug. "Sorry, it's a lot to take in," he said.

Teyla nodded again. "I know," she said softly. "I made my peace with my abilities years ago, thanks in no small part to you."

John frowned "Me?"

"You never distrusted me, not once," said Teyla, staring at him intensely again. "Even when I did not trust myself."

John was saved from having to think of anything to say in response to such a pronouncement by the sound of his door chimes. John half-rose to go and open the door, but sank back down as the door slid open anyway, revealing McKay.

He stepped inside without waiting for an invitation. "Oh good, you're in here," he said briskly. He looked at John for a moment. "Do you remember anything? At all?" He asked him, his voice a little softer than before.

"No," said John. He waited for the scientist to say something, but he was just frowning at him. "Did you need something?" John asked.

McKay blinked and then nodded. "Yeah – Teyla, could you check this translation for me?" He asked, turning to her and proffering a laptop tablet. "I translated it and then Simmons had a look but the guy's a total quack."

Teyla sighed as she stood up. "He is not a 'quack', Rodney," she said in an exasperated tone.

"Oh yes he is," scoffed McKay as Teyla took the tablet from him. She sat down on the edge of John's bed with the computer on her lap and squinted down at it.

"Just because he corrected your pronunciation…" She said as she pressed something on the screen. John watched her – it was odd seeing her so at ease with Earth technology.

"Like anyone even _knows _how it was pronounced!" Returned McKay, peering over her shoulder. "And anyway, these runes look closer to the Ancient writing on Athos than on Atlantis, so you might see something he missed."

Teyla nodded, obviously concentrating on whatever she was reading. McKay glanced over at John, who looked back down at the report he still held, though he was still watching him and Teyla out of the corner of his eye. McKay sat down next to Teyla and lowered his voice, though not low enough. "How's he doing?" He asked Teyla.

Teyla also glanced over at John before answering. "Fine, Rodney," she said, her voice also low. "He is handling the situation very well."

McKay shook his head. "I'd be totally freaking out…"

Teyla rolled her eyes and went back to reading the tablet, pressing the screen every now and then and saying the odd word to McKay. John watched them silently, once again struck by how much time had passed. Here were McKay and Teyla, two members of the same team and yet, in his day, not what you would call _friends_, sitting next to each other so comfortably and even making fun of each other, and John was forced yet again to realise how much everything had changed.

John looked back down at Exhibit A, the sleeping baby next to him. Only Exhibit A was no longer asleep. As John watched, Tagan blinked once, twice, and then two brown eyes were staring up at him. Eyes just like Teyla's.

John's own eyes widened. With panic.

_Oh god don't start crying please don't start crying._

John looked over at Teyla and saw that she was in the middle of explaining something to Rodney. He looked back down at Tagan, who was now looking from side to side, shifting in his seat.

John swallowed, and reached out a hand, placing it very carefully on Tagan's chest. "Hey… it's okay, Mommy's just over there," he said quietly, in what he hoped was a soothing tone. "She'll be back in a minute."

Tagan stopped looking around and stared back up at John. Then, to John's surprise, he smiled at him. John couldn't help but smile back – he really was very cute. He turned the carrier slightly towards him and stroked Tagan's hand. Tagan grabbed hold of his little finger in his fist, and John smiled again.

"So… I guess you know me, right?" He said. He shook his finger slightly. "I'm sorry I don't remember you, little guy. I'm working on it."

Tagan started looking around again, and John noticed his other arm rubbing against the strap holding him in his carrier. John reached out his spare hand to undo the buckle and push the straps away. "Here, let me… okay, that better?" He grinned down at Tagan, who looked up at him with his big brown eyes. His grip on John's finger tightened.

Then he started to whimper.

John shook his head emphatically. "No… shush… it's okay…" He said, his tone more pleading than soothing. He leant over the carrier, and stroked the top of Tagan's head. His hair was really soft.

"Please don't start crying because I really don't know how to stop babies crying…" Pleaded John. He looked over at Teyla – he could tell from the tense set of her shoulders that she could hear Tagan, but whatever she was translating must have been important, because she was still staring down at it.

That or she had more faith than was merited in his ability to deal with a fussy baby.

"Er…" He turned his attention back to Tagan, who was shifting around in his seat again. "Okay, you want out?" John asked him. "Come here then, I'll take you to your Mommy…"

John hadn't held a baby in… wow, god knows how many years. He mostly avoided holding babies, since they seemed to dislike him so much. But he figured Tagan wanted his Mom, and since Teyla was only ten feet away he wouldn't have to hold him for too long. John slid both hands under Tagan and started to lift him out, remembering to support his head. He brought him close, so that Tagan was looking over his shoulder, and then shifted his arms around so he could hold him further down. Like the normal way you'd hold a baby. Not that he ever held babies.

He made a few shushing noises and tensed, ready to stand up and take him to Teyla, when he realised that Tagan had stopped whimpering. He was looking around again, but the crisis seemed to have been avoided. "Huh," said John, a little dumbfounded by this strange turn of events. He'd never, ever met a baby that didn't cry if he held it for more than five seconds. But Tagan was… yep, he was smiling again.

John smiled too. "Okay… this is okay," he said. "No crying. That's good. We'll just sit here, okay?" He shifted Tagan closer to his chest, and then sat back again. "Okay."

And it was okay. John held Tagan, bouncing him a little every now and then to make him smile, and didn't feel an ounce of discomfort. He supposed that he should be feeling weird, sitting there holding Teyla's baby, but he didn't. He didn't even feel any of the turmoil he'd felt earlier when he'd first seen him.

So John sat there holding Tagan, and kept smiling.

"See, I told you he was a quack."

John looked up and saw that McKay and Teyla were now standing, and McKay was once again holding the tablet.

Teyla raised an eyebrow at McKay. "He did not appreciate that name when I told him," she said.

McKay's eyes widened. "You… you what?" He gasped. "Teyla, the man is 6 foot 3!"

Teyla stared at him impassively for a moment, and then smile wolfishly. McKay was still gaping at her, not noticing her smile. "I can't believe you would… wait, you're joking aren't you?" He glared at her. "You're spending way too much time with Sheppard."

John raised his eyebrows at that, and wondered if it was true. Teyla just laughed, and McKay rolled his eyes. He looked over at John, who expected him to be at least surprised that he was holding Tagan, but he didn't bat an eyelid. "We're all working on the machine," he said. "We'll fix it."

And John believed him. He really did. "Okay," he said.

McKay nodded. "See you later then," he said, heading for the door.

"Good night Rodney," Teyla called after him. The door slid shut and they were once again alone – John, Teyla, and Tagan, whom John was still holding.

Teyla smiled.

John cleared his throat nervously. "You don't mind do you?" He asked.

Teyla shook her head. "Of course not," she said. She started to walk over to them, and John carefully stood up.

"He was getting ready to cry and I was going to take him over to you but he seemed to calm down when I picked him up…" He explained, perhaps needlessly. He still wanted to, though. Felt the need to. Teyla stopped next to him and smiled again, and John shrugged. "I'm not really that good with babies."

"I know," said Teyla at once. John's eyebrows shot up, and Teyla laughed. "I have never seen anyone more terrified of holding a baby," she said. "You were more nervous than Rodney."

She was grinning at him, and John smiled back, feeling faintly embarrassed. "Yeah, well - kids are fine… but babies? They just don't like me."

"Tagan does," said Teyla. She looked down at her son and smoothed his hair down on his head. "He is very fond of his Uncle John."

_Uncle John_. John could feel a sense of warmth blossoming in his chest at her words – not only at the endearment but also at what she'd said about Tagan liking him. He found that he _wanted _Tagan to like him.

Teyla looked back up at John and he grinned at her. "I think he's okay too," he said flippantly.

Teyla chuckled and shifted her gaze back to Tagan, who was smiling at her. She reached out a hand and he gripped her finger, just as he had done to John. John looked down at Teyla, in awe at the look of sheer love she had on her face. He had never seen her look that way before, and decided then and there that it was a good look. An amazing look, actually. Motherhood suited her. She looked so beautiful.

"I should probably put him to bed," said Teyla softly, jerking John out of his reverie.

"Oh, right," he said. He handed Tagan over to Teyla, who gently placed him back in his carrier. She buckled him back in and picked him up.

"Will you be alright?" She asked John, turning to face him again.

"Sure," said John, nodding. "Yeah, don't worry. I think I'll have an early night too. It's been a long day."

Teyla smiled sadly. "Yes," she said. "Contact me if you need anything."

John nodded. "Okay, thanks," he said. He smirked. "And thanks for babysitting me." Teyla rolled her eyes and picked up her white shoulder bag. John bent down and waved at Tagan. "See you, Tag," he said. He straightened up and found Teyla staring at him intensely. He frowned. "What?"

Teyla shrugged. "Nothing… it's… that's what you call him, you know," she said.

"Really?" John shrugged it off. "It just seemed like the logical nickname," he said. "Everyone probably calls him that."

Teyla tilted her head to one side. "No, just you," she said. She started towards the door. "Good night, John."

"'Night Teyla."

And with one last smile, she was gone.

_TBC_


	8. Chapter Seven

_Hi there – I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update this, but I've been very very busy with work. My exams start in a week, so I'm in cramming mode right now. This chapter was almost finished though, and as I had to have something to take my mind off of Neanderthals and handaxes, I finished it up over the last few days. Don't be expecting the next update until after my exams though! _

_This chapter has a lot of talk in it, which I hope isn't too boring. To be honest, though, the entire story has been mostly talk so far, and you all seem to like it okay! Thanks so much for all the reviews, I really appreciate the feedback. _

_I took some liberties with Lorne's back story in this chapter… if there any blaring errors in it, do let me know. _

_Alright, back to Durkheim, the last common ancestor, Oaxaca Valley and the Nuer… good luck trying to guess what subject I do! _

_Enjoy! _

_**Chapter Seven**_

_A clear blue sky over miles of sand… a forest, the treetops ever closer to the puddlejumper… __Rodney walking next to him down a corridor, talking about old Batman movies… Ronon hopping on one leg… sitting on a cold cave floor, his hands tied behind his back and feeling someone's head on his shoulder…Elizabeth standing in front of the stargate next to a coffin draped in blue… Teyla sitting up in an infirmary bed smiling at him… Ronon sitting on the ground, a shard of glass sticking out of his shoulder… Carson crying in a puddlejumper… Teyla beaten and bloody in a forest, Keller beside her… walking across a sea bed, completely dry, a whale in the distance…a Wraith raising his hand to feed, John unable to move or even speak…_

John had a restless night. He woke up every couple of hours, sure that he'd been dreaming, but only able to remember obscure flashes of his dreams – dreams that made no sense to him at all. It was about 0700 when he woke up properly, and he shook his head before climbing out of bed. It was early, but not too early, and though he would have liked to sleep a little longer he knew that it was useless to try now that he was fully awake. After getting dressed he flipped through some of the reports that were still lying on his coffee table, but really he just wanted to read some new ones. He knew, though, that it would be much easier to read them with Teyla next to him to answer any questions he had – she had been invaluable the night before.

John sat on his couch and looked around his semi-familiar quarters, before abruptly standing up. Breakfast, he decided. He'd go get breakfast.

John could smell the food from the mess hall in the air when he was still two corridors away, which threw him for two reasons. One – that would mean that they were cooking something for breakfast, which was new, and two – he could smell bacon. _Bacon_. John hadn't had bacon since the day he'd left Earth, when he'd made sure to have his favourite foods before reporting to the SGC.

He'd really missed bacon.

John sped up, every second expecting the smell to disappear and find himself mistaken and disappointed, but with every step it grew stronger. He entered the mess hall and there, right in front of him, was a tray full of sizzling, piping hot bacon. His stomach growled at the sight, and he lost no time grabbing a tray and joining the short queue.

John managed to get a double serving of bacon from the server with a bit of begging and a smile, and then grabbed some toast and eggs as well. He couldn't help the stupid smile on his face – he was going to eat bacon!

As it was still quite early the mess hall was half empty, and there were plenty of tables for John to choose from. But one particular table caught his eye – it was occupied by a tall man with dreadlocks. Ronon had his back to John, and so hadn't seen him enter the hall. John hesitated for a moment, but quickly decided that there was no point putting off the conversation he wanted to have with the man.

As John approached his table he saw that Ronon was just finishing off the last of a plate of eggs. There was an empty bowl next to his nearly empty plate and an apple still waiting to be eaten.

"Hey," said John, stopping next to the table. Ronon's head jerked up and he stared up at John, but didn't say anything. John nodded to the chair opposite him. "Mind if I join you?"

Ronon stared at him for a couple more seconds and then jerked his head again, nodding silently, though his face remained expressionless. It wasn't the warmest invitation to sit that John had ever received, but he did it anyway. He straightened out his food and separated his cutlery, and only then did he look back up at Ronon.

Ronon was staring down at his plate of bacon, his eyes slightly narrowed. John decided to cut to the chase. "So listen – sorry if I was rude to you yesterday, but I wasn't in the best of moods," he said.

Ronon raised his eyes to meet his, his face still completely unreadable, and was silent for a couple of seconds, just staring at John. Then, finally, he sat back in his chair, shrugging slightly. "Did McKay fix the machine?" He asked John.

"No," said John. "Not yet, anyway."

Ronon nodded slightly, and then he was staring at John's food again. John watched him warily – was he still hungry or something? Was Ronon the kind of guy to steal other people's food? Because John was prepared to defend his bacon with his life.

"What?" He asked after a few moments.

Ronon looked back up at John. "What?" He repeated.

"You were staring at my food."

He expected Ronon to deny it, but instead he just shrugged again. "You usually have oatmeal," he said, by way of an explanation.

John almost laughed. "Why would I have oatmeal when I could have bacon?" He asked incredulously. The very idea seemed ludicrous.

"You said you didn't want to get used to bacon only to lose it again."

John blinked, staring across the table at his teammate, his teammate that he couldn't remember. The Ronon had said that, so matter-of-factly… it was such a banal statement that didn't really mean much in the grand scheme of things, but it really got to John. The fact that it was such a banal thing to say, such a stupid, little thing to know about him, upset John.

"I'm sorry that I don't remember you," he said after a moment.

For the first time, Ronon's expression changed. His eyebrows went up and he looked a little surprised – but he seemed to recover quickly. There was another shrug.

"It's not your fault," he said gruffly.

"Yeah I know but… well…" Said John, trying to vocalise his fragmented thoughts on the subject. "Teyla keeps telling me what good friends we are and…" His voice trailed off and he ended with a shrug of his own.

Ronon was staring at him again, and John started to feel a little embarrassed. He decided to take refuge in his bacon, and started cutting up the meat. The excitement of eating bacon again was seeping back in.

"This isn't the first time you've forgotten me," said Ronon suddenly.

John froze with his fork halfway to his mouth. "Huh?"

Ronon was still lounging back in his chair, and had his arms folded across his chest. He quirked an eyebrow before explaining. "About a year ago the city got infested with a virus – everyone got it except me and Teyla 'cause we had it when we were kids," he said. "It made everyone lose their memories. And not just some things, like you now. They forgot everything."

John lowered his hand back to the table, gaping slightly. "Everyone got it?" He asked him. He couldn't even _imagine _the havoc that must have caused.

Ronon was nodding. "Yeah – we figured out we needed some enchuri plants to cure it so we two went to the mainland," he said. "By the time we got there you were totally gone."

"What happened?"

"I shot you and tied you up."

John dropped his fork. "What?!"

Ronon shrugged _again_, now looking quite amused. "I didn't have time to deal with you…"

"So you _shot _me?" John demanded.

Ronon was looking even more amused now. "I only stunned you," he said, as if that made it all okay. "And you woke up and got free by the time I got back. Then you almost shot _me_."

Well. That made John feel a little better. It was nice to know he managed to get free even when he had no memories. Score one for basic training.

"But I didn't?" John asked Ronon, who shook his head.

"I talked you out of it," said Ronon cryptically. His look of amusement flickered for a moment. "We got the plant back to Atlantis and everyone got cured."

God he wished it were that simple now. Get a plant, find a cure, have all his memories back.

John smirked. "I'm guessing that plant won't work on me now?" He asked flippantly.

All trace of amusement left Ronon's face as he stared at John, and John's smirk disappeared under his scrutiny. He was once again reminded that this was a man who knew him very well.

"Rodney will figure it out," Ronon said seriously. "He always does."

_Again with the first name basis. _

John didn't say anything in response – he just picked his fork back up and finally started eating his bacon. It was tough and pretty thin, and had grown a little cold in the time he and Ronon had been talking.

It was _delicious_. It was bacon! John had never tasted anything so wonderful. Across the table, Ronon started to eat large chunks of his apple, using a large dagger to cut it up, and the two of them ate in companionable silence for a few minutes. It was a little strange to John that he did feel so comfortable around Ronon, since really he'd only known him a day, but he did – he guessed it was the knowledge that he had already judged him to be friend and teammate material, even if he couldn't remember doing so.

He'd almost finished his bacon when John remembered what he'd wanted to ask Ronon.

"So… who really did that to Tagan's hair?"

John looked up in time to see Ronon's grin – it transformed his entire face, and made him look much younger.

"That was all you," he said.

John raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yeah," said Ronon. He paused, and then shrugged. "Well, it was my idea."

John smirked. "Uh-huh."

"And I held him still."

His smirk grew wider. "So Teyla was right about it being a dual effort."

Ronon chuckled. "It's a great picture," he said. John grinned in response. Suddenly, Ronon's stare grew intense again. "You must be totally freaked out by T.J."

_Hell yeah I am_. John shrugged in what he hoped was a casual manner. "Nah."

The look Ronon gave him was one of utter incredulity, and John squirmed a little. He shrugged again. "Well, it was surprising, obviously," he said. "But…" Another shrug. "I don't mind." Shrug. "He's a cute kid." One more shrug to seal the deal.

Ronon stared at him in silence for a few moments, and then nodded. "Yeah, he is," he said. "I gotta go – I'm due in the gym."

"Right," said John, watching Ronon stand up. The man loomed over the table as he pushed back in his chair and picked up his tray. He paused, and looked down at John with an earnest expression on his face.

"We were meant to be sparring today before lunch," he said gruffly. "We still can if you want."

John's eyebrows shot up. "I spar with _you_?"

Ronon's mouth twitched. "Yeah."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Ronon was smiling now. "You suck, but yeah."

John snorted. "Right," he said. "Well… maybe, yeah." He smiled at Ronon, who nodded briskly and then turned and walked away without another word. If it had been the way anyone else had ended a conversation with him John would have felt offended, but his meeting with Ronon had gone far better than he'd expected, so he let it slide. Besides, John had the feeling that Ronon hadn't meant it to be offensive – it was just the way he was.

He could see why he liked him, really. He didn't take any crap. John went back to his bacon.

He was not alone two minutes before a shadow fell over the table. "Sir?"

John looked up to see what was obviously one of his men standing next to his table. "Hey," he said guardedly, hoping that the man wasn't going to ask him something important, and wishing Teyla were with him.

The man glanced around and then spoke in a low voice. "I'm Evan Lorne," he said.

_Ah_. Well, at least John didn't have to worry about him finding out his secret memory loss. "My second-in-command," John said with a smile. "Have a seat, Major."

Lorne returned the smile and sat down opposite John. "How are you feeling, sir?" He asked.

John shrugged. "Physically I'm fine," he said. "Never better."

Lorne nodded. "We haven't told anyone what's going on," he said. "Unless there's a crisis there's no need for anyone to find out. There are a couple of debriefings today but that's not a big deal."

"You sound like you've got everything under control," said John. And he did. John was glad that his second-in-command seemed capable, though he hadn't expected anything else. He must have appointed him his second for a reason.

Lorne shrugged. "It's a pretty quiet time – well, as quiet as it gets here, anyway," he said ruefully. "There are only three teams off-world, and the first one's not due back for four days, so we've got time. And there are no new recruits or anything to deal with at the moment."

"That's lucky," said John, though he had no idea how much work new recruits meant for him, since he couldn't remember training any on Atlantis.

Judging by the way Lorne was nodding in agreement though, John surmised that new recruits were a lot of work. "And the Daedalus isn't due for two weeks," Lorne added.

"The Daedalus?" John asked, frowning.

"Oh," said Lorne, looking momentarily thrown. He recovered quickly though. "It's a ship, sir, it does runs between Earth and Atlantis, bringing supplies and things, and we often use it in battles. There's the Apollo, as well – it doesn't come to Atlantis as often, but it's also seen its fair share of action. The Daedalus is commanded by Colonel Caldwell, and the Apollo by Colonel Ellis."

John nodded as though this was not Earth-shattering news to him. _Spaceships_? He knew that Earth had them – he'd found that out quite soon after coming to Atlantis. But from what Lorne was telling him, these ships had been in space battles. _Space battles_. John had been in _space battles _and he couldn't remember them. How unfair was that?

John looked across the table at his second-in-command, who was watching him closely, obviously waiting for him to carry on the conversation. He probably didn't know what to say. John tried to imagine what it would be like if, back on Earth, one of his commanding officers suddenly lost all memory of whatever they were doing and he was put in charge. And still having to deal with the commanding officer.

Poor Lorne.

John frowned suddenly, still looking at Lorne. It had hit him suddenly, but he was sure of it – he recognised him. He recognised Major Lorne. The man seemed very familiar to him… maybe he was getting back his memories? Or maybe they had met before, sometime. Perhaps he'd been on Atlantis the whole time John had and he was just being dense.

"So when did you get to Atlantis?" John asked politely.

"I came over with Colonel Everett during the siege," replied Lorne. "Then I stayed."

John narrowed his eyes at the Major, and decided to just tell him the truth. "You know, you look kind of familiar to me," he told him.

Lorne raised his eyebrows. "Well that's good, right?" He said after a moment.

You'd think so, but John still wasn't so sure. "I don't know… did we ever meet before?" He asked.

Lorne looked faintly surprised. "We did meet very briefly at the SGC, when you were leaving for Atlantis," he said. "You were helping move Dr McKay's equipment into the gate room and –"

Realisation dawned on John. "Oh yeah, you were the guy McKay yelled at for being in the way," he said, remembering suddenly the innocent Major who had incurred the wrath of McKay for just happening to round a corner at the wrong moment. He smiled slightly at the memory of how they'd rolled their eyes at one another, bonded briefly in their shared disbelief of the arrogant scientist. The smile quickly faded though – it was an old memory after all. Not a sign that he was regaining that which he had lost.

He looked up and saw that Lorne was staring at him, looking very surprised. "You didn't remember me when we met again on Atlantis," he told John when he looked at him.

John shrugged. "Well it's only a couple of months ago to _me_," he said. Lorne smiled. "So you worked at the SGC?" Asked John.

"Yes sir," said Lorne. "I was on SG-14 under Colonel Edwards for almost three years."

John nodded, regarding the Major thoughtfully. This guy was the same rank as him (as when he'd come to Atlantis anyway), but he'd been at the SGC, travelling off-world with an SG team for years before John had even known anything about the stargate program. For the first time, John wondered why he was still the ranking officer on Atlantis. The day before he'd just accepted it, but now he really thought about it – he had assumed command because there was no one else to do so, but they'd been in contact with Earth for three years now… why was he still in charge? John wasn't complaining; he was just surprised. Surely there were people who were more qualified than he? Those ships Lorne had mentioned were both commanded by full Colonels. Even Lorne had more experience than he did.

John wondered how many people on Atlantis thought the same thing.

"Is there any news on the device?" Asked Lorne, snapping John out of his reverie. He looked up at the Major and shook his head silently.

Lorne looked at him seriously. "I'm sure McKay will figure it out soon," he said firmly.

John managed a weak smile, trying to lighten the mood. "Not relishing the idea of command, Major?" He said.

Major Lorne's serious expression didn't change. "Sir, there's not a single person under your command who would relish the idea," he said. "And if the device… we'll all do our part to get you back in command."

John blinked in surprised at Lorne's words. His voice caught in his throat, so it was a moment before he could respond. He cleared his throat. "Thank you Major," he said, a little gruffly.

"It's the truth, sir," replied Lorne simply. He gave John a brief smile and then stood up. "I have to get to a meeting with Woolsey."

John nodded. "Good talking to you, Major," he said.

"You too sir," Lorne replied. He nodded and then turned on his heel and began to weave his way through the tables towards the exit.

John watched him go thoughtfully – the two conversations he'd had had given him a lot to think about. He was starting to get a clearer idea of his place on Atlantis, and it wasn't too bad, really.

Still, he wished he had something to do today, like Lorne and Ronon did. He had sparring with the latter to look forward to, but John would have been willing to bet a lot of money that Ronon wiped the floor with him at the best of times… today he'd probably wipe the ceiling with him too.

At that moment Teyla entered the mess hall. She stopped just inside and scanned the room, smiling when she spotted him. John gave her a small wave, and then noticed that she was carrying a large rucksack on one shoulder. From the square-ish shape of it, he guessed it held more mission reports.

Well, it looked like he had things to do after all.

_TBC_

_Next up – some more mission reports, John meets Woolsey properly, and Ronon wipes the floor and ceiling with him. And probably the walls too. _


End file.
